


flying solo (a love letter to myself)

by assortedwords



Series: one, ten, ten thousand (a3 week 2019) [7]
Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Gen, M/M, Multi, Self-Acceptance, other mankai members show up occasionally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23066734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assortedwords/pseuds/assortedwords
Summary: Something I want to challenge myself to this year is..."Solo ○○-ing!Solo karaoke, solo movie-going, solo yakiniku...!I know it's more fun going with everyone,but somehow...it feels like a step towards adulthood!-Taichi’s 2019 Blog Post Relay postTaichi slows down. (bad boy portrait spoilers, bantaiju is mostly background.)
Relationships: Settsu Banri/Nanao Taichi/Hyoudou Juuza
Series: one, ten, ten thousand (a3 week 2019) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1254509
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	flying solo (a love letter to myself)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic contains a lot of detailed descriptions of anxiety! i don’t know if this is something people are sensitive to, but please be careful if it might affect you badly! ; v ;
> 
> on a lighter note, i’ve been informed by [a sheepy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurokeitos/pseuds/kurokeitos) that not all cinemas require you to pick your seat before you go in to watch the movie, so i’d like to tell you ahead of time that taichi…does exactly that in this fic and that happens irl too.

It's a busy day in the MANKAI dorms when Tasuku taps Taichi awkwardly on the shoulder.

Taichi's chatting with Yuki himself, but even so Taichi whips around instantly at the tap and beams up at Tasuku. Tasuku’s attention is still special to Taichi, even after they’d both left GODza. There’s still a little bit of Taichi’s that’s dazzled by the shining prince of GODza, and a lot of Taichi that’s dazzled by the serious, passionate Tasuku of MANKAI. “Tasuku-san!” he chirps.

“Nanao,” Tasuku returns, removing his hand to shield his eyes. (Taichi doesn’t get it, so he just keeps beaming up at him!) “You’re up on the blog relay. I left my question for you just now.”

“Oh!” Taichi grabs his phone and pulls up the MANKAI blog. The blog relay project! Sakyo’s latest project for publicity! He skips to the bottom of Tasuku’s post (he’s too excited for the question to read Tasuku’s post properly right now!) and finds the question waiting for him. (Along with a cute introduction of Taichi himself!)

> _Tomorrow's the dog-like guy who's always running around energetically.  
>  _ _The question is "Something you'd like to challenge yourself to this year"._

“‘Something you’d like to challenge yourself to’?” Yuki snorts, reading over his shoulder. Taichi hadn’t even noticed when he leaned in! “That’s such a boring question.”

Taichi whips around, but Tasuku’s already gone, busy talking to Izumi. Good! (Well, not _good_ \- Izumi’s holding up a laptop with a black screen and it all looks very grave and concerning but, you know! Good for Taichi and Yuki!) Taichi turns back to his phone. It’s a very standard question, something Taichi gets asked every April back at school. (Very stoic and manly!) But still Taichi squishes his palm into his cheek thoughtfully, squinting at his phone. “It’s a good question! I’m gonna think about it!”

“Sure,” Yuki says, settling back. He allows Taichi to scoot closer to him, and Taichi gets all warm and fuzzy when he doesn’t move away. “I guess it might be good for you. You’ve got all kinds of things you’d find challenging, anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!” Taichi protests.

Yuki smirks. “Figure it out yourself.” 

Someone leans on the back of the couch, interrupting their conversation. Taichi immediately forgets to respond to Yuki and turns around to investigate.

It turns out to be a friend! “Ten-chan!” Taichi says in delight.

“Hey,” Tenma returns, and gives Yuki the stink-eye. “Summer Troupe meeting now. Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“Speak for yourself,” Yuki says. He gathers up his sketchbook and pencil and gets up, smoothing down his skirt. “See you, puppy.”

“See ya!” Taichi says brightly. “You too, Ten-chan!”

Tenma gives him a nod and a _yeah_ , which is just how he is. Kumon and Kazunari come after the two of them, giving Taichi a quick fist bump and grin each before rounding up Muku and Misumi. Taichi watches the six of them gather around all bickering and laughing, and feels a little wistful pang in his chest. Summer Troupe are all best friends, and so many of them are _Taichi’s_ best friends, too. He adores Autumn Troupe! He’d never trade them for anything! But Autumn doesn’t have Summer’s easygoing warmth, their equal grounds. It’s…a little lonely to see his best friends all be part of something he isn’t.

And that’s sad, so Taichi gets up himself and wanders into the kitchen to find Omi.  
  


* * *

  
Omi’s cooking dinner for tonight, predictably. Taichi creeps up behind him and reaches up to smush Omi’s cheeks together, and Omi doesn’t even budge an inch. He probably heard Taichi’s footsteps from behind, even though Taichi tried his best to come in _super_ stealthily. (And got impatient after three steps and started tap-tapping in, so that’s probably why!) 

“Hi, Taichi,” Omi says, his voice garbled through smushed cheeks. Taichi giggles and lets him go.

“Omi-kun!”

“What’s up?” Omi asks. He’s stirring a pot of soup, but he still looks over and throws Taichi a quick smile in acknowledgement. “I’m listening.”

Omi’s always super thoughtful! “Everyone’s _busy,”_ Taichi pouts, wrapping his arms around Omi’s free one. He rests his chin on Omi’s shoulder - or, well, tries to - and gives up when he realizes he can’t do it without standing on his tiptoes. “Well, not really! I was talking to Yuki-chan, but Summer Troupe had a meeting, so everyone left! You know, it’s been really hard to invite everyone out lately! Not even together! Even individually!"

And that turns into a mini-rant about everyone’s schedules. Taichi has so many things he wants to do, but he can’t do them without someone _else_ , and his friends are always _busy!_ Tenma goes without saying - it’s rare to see him reply on time, much less collar him for an _afternoon_ out, Kazunari’s always booked up seven million years in advance, Kumon’s not even super busy, their schedules just _always_ crash -

“Uh-huh,” Omi says with a grin as Taichi rambles at him. Taichi should maybe be helping Omi with dinner, since Omi’s one person cooking for all of them today, but Taichi always gets distracted before he can offer to help. (Not to mention he still can’t really cook!) He can’t help it! He just has so much he wants to tell Omi!

Taichi smushes his face into Omi’s arm, making sure to do it gently so he doesn’t disturb Omi’s stirring, but insistently enough that he can express his frustration. “It’s _difficult!”_ Taichi grumbles, rubbing his cheek against Omi’s sleeve. “I know everyone has their own schedules and everything, but _my_ schedule never aligns with theirs, and I keep having to put off my plans!”

Omi hums thoughtfully, sticking a spoon into the pot to taste the soup. “Hmm. I think…” He refills the spoon, and holds it out to Taichi. “You should taste this and tell me if it’s too bland.”

“Omi- _kun!”_ Taichi whines. Omi laughs. It has a gentle warmth to it even when he’s teasing Taichi. Still, Taichi slurps the spoon clean obediently, and smacks his lips. “It’s great! Your cooking always tastes great!”

“I think it could use more salt,” Omi says absently, but puts the spoon aside and ruffles Taichi’s hair. “Though about your dilemma…can't you do those things by yourself? Some alone time can be fun too.”

Taichi pauses, his arms still wrapped around Omi’s. “...Maybe!” he hedges, and tries to think of something else to talk about. “But anyway! Whatcha making for dinner? Can I help?”  
  


* * *

  
That night, the conversation floats into Taichi’s mind again. Taichi has always taken too long to fall asleep, and it’s harder to escape himself when the world has settled down into slumber. His earbuds fill in some of the silence like a lullaby, playing through a familiar album, and his thoughts drift.

The thing is, Taichi has never learned to be alone.

He’s _been alone_ plenty of times! He spent most of his time in middle school tucked away in the corner of classrooms, his friends leaving him for other, closer friends as soon as break time came. He’s faced the awful, silent loneliness of GODza rehearsals a hundred times, but he's never gotten _used_ to it. There’s always the itch that comes with being alone, countless prickles across his skin wondering if people are judging him, wondering if he’s alone because he wasn’t interesting enough, funny enough, enough at all.

It doesn’t really matter what the answer is. He’s answered it for himself.

So that’s what he’s been living for the past...who knows how many years! He’s never changed his line of thought, only thought of ways to _avoid_ it. He throws himself into conversations and thinks up a million hangouts and shows up to every activity, just to drown out the thoughts. To feel _included._ Just to convince himself, if only for a moment, that he has a place where people welcome him. 

So maybe, really, it would be more accurate to say Taichi’s never learned how to exist with himself. That’s bad for sure. Or something that’d worry other people if he said it out loud. (He can imagine Izumi’s concerned eyes now!) It’s kind of a pity, since Taichi has to live with himself for the rest of his life.

Taichi curls up in his bed, taking care not to squish his earbud into his ear too hard. Maybe that’s something that should change. Taichi’s used to the anxiety and self-hatred that comes with it, but he knows he deserves better. He doesn’t _feel_ like it, but that’s another story.

He reaches for his phone, and sees the calendar notification on the pulldown menu cheerfully reminding him to write his blog post tomorrow and answer Tasuku’s question.

Something he wants to challenge himself to… 

Despite how boring and standard a question it is, Taichi still finds a surge of determination in him. He wants to do things alone. He’s never been able to, bouncing off to change every part of himself he could in hopes of being cooler, funnier, better. It feels like a step towards the future, even if he doesn’t know exactly what sort.

And so it’s with this thought that he types his resolution into his notes app, ready to write his blog post when he wakes up.  
  


* * *

> _Something I want to challenge myself to this year is..."Solo ○○-ing!  
>  _ _Solo karaoke, solo movie-going, solo yakiniku...!  
>  _ _I know it's more fun going with everyone,  
>  _ _but somehow...it feels like a step towards adulthood!_

The next afternoon, Taichi looks at the words written on his laptop screen and hits post proudly.  
  


* * *

  
The next step, of course, is to actually put his resolution into _action_. Taichi mulls over his options as he rereads his blog post the next day, considering. (He’s reread it a few times over now! The MANKAI blog viewer count is probably skyrocketing!) He’d mostly said movies and karaoke and yakiniku because they were the first things that came to mind, but there’s a whole lot he could do now he doesn’t have anyone else to consider!

Taichi sits up and surveys Room 104 from where he is on the floor, snuggled comfortably between Banri and Juza. Maybe he’ll get some inspiration this way!

First he needs to find something to Focus In On. Taichi narrows his eyes, making little binoculars with his hands. (Both partners are too preoccupied with their own things to notice!) He spies with his little eyes…a poster of a rock band on Banri’s wall! Maybe he could go to a concert alon—

A voice that sounds suspiciously like Sakyo’s starts up in Taichi’s head. _Simple!_ Mind Sakyo says, feeling very much like he’s shoving Sakoda’s banner into Mind Taichi’s face with every word. _Frugal! Saving! Lifestyle! Do you have any idea how much concerts cost!_ Real Taichi winces audibly. (That gets Juza to give him a questioning look, but Taichi waves his hands reassuringly. He’s a wiggly boy! It’s just something he does!) 

Back to the drawing board! He squints around the room again, pretending to focus on his hand-binoculars with even more intensity. He’s really in it now!

He spies…a flyer for a new dessert shop on Juza’s desk! Maybe he could go on a solo adventure there!

No mind dads interrupt him this time, but Taichi still fills his cheeks up into a pout. Visiting a dessert place without inviting Juza would feel weird! He’d just wind up taking four million photos to show Juza later on, and invite Juza to go with him a second time, anyway! He lets out the air in his cheeks, lowering his hand-binoculars. (Consistency!) Never mind! He’ll stick to the ones he thought of on the fly writing his post! They’re all things he’s used to, so less hassle!

And then he blurts out his thought almost immediately, because ADHD. “I want to go see a movie!”

It’s out of blue even for him, but neither partner seems particularly surprised. “I’m pretty busy this week,” Banri says in reply, his eyes still on his phone.

“Me too,” Juza adds, but he at least looks back up from the dessert pictures on his Inste feed to address Taichi. (He doesn’t look right at Taichi though - neither of them likes eye contact!) “Sorry.”

“That’s okay!” Taichi says. “I was thinking of going alone!”

 _That_ gets Banri to lift his head, skeptical. “Huh? But you always want company.”

Taichi stretches his wrists, more to fidget than anything else. “Not this time!” he hedges. He’s suddenly self-conscious now that he actually has to _talk_ about his plan. “It’s my New Year’s resolution! I wrote about it on my blog post!”

“To be an adult?” Juza asks.

“Yeah!” Taichi chirps the same time Banri throws out his opinion. “Nobody actually _keeps_ their resolutions, Taichi.”

“Punch Settsu for me,” Juza says. Taichi laughs and obliges, booping his fist into Banri’s shoulder.

“That hurt _so_ much,” Banri deadpans. “But for real, you know doing all this stuff won’t automatically make you an adult, right?”

Juza nods in agreement gently. “These things take time.”

Well, both of them would know. Even after more than a year Taichi still sees Juza frustrated at old habits he can’t seem to change, and Banri slip back into his past self before he realizes. But it’s not just the two of them! All _three_ of them are trying to change, and Taichi knows a thing or two about changing himself!

“I know!” Taichi retorts. “I thought this could be my first step!” He pauses, fidgeting between the two of them, and they wait patiently. “It’s like…I’m always worrying about what other people think of me! And it stresses me out! So maybe it’ll help if I tried doing things by myself!” 

“Huh,” Banri muses. “Guess that makes sense. Tell us what you get up to.”

“Have fun,” Juza adds, and that’s that.   
  


* * *

  
Going out alone, Taichi realizes, is a challenge within itself. Taichi makes it out the front door and the gate of MANKAI with minimal dread, and then it hits him like a brick to the face. See, in the dorms Taichi could tell anyone passing by about his grand adventure, and they’d listen, and know that Taichi was doing this out of _choice_. That he had friends and people that he could hang out with and he wasn’t some involuntary loner! But out in the streets there are only strangers who don’t know him, who would assume everything about him in one sweeping glance. 

_What if people think I’m pathetic?_ The thought floats into Taichi’s head, unbidden. It feels like everyone’s with someone the more he looks around - a child with an older sibling, a trio holding hands, a quartet of high schoolers giggling, tightly knit together. It feels like he’s the only one alone. A tightly-wound feeling bounds across his heart, a rubber band constriction. Nobody’s looking at him as far as he can see, but it feels like a hundred pair of eyes watching him as soon as he turns around, looming over his shoulder, judging his every move. He shrinks into himself. _What if they think I’m alone because I don’t have anyone else?_

It’s probably a silly thing to think. People probably didn’t even care! And even if they _did_ , there were all kinds of reasons for someone to go out! For all everyone knew, Taichi could be on his way to meet a whole bunch of friends! He could be on a super important mission where his presence was _indispensable!_ Running an errand for someone who found him extremely helpful! He isn’t just some loner on his way to watch a movie!

Except, well, he _feels_ like it. It lingers as he makes his way through Veludo Way, down the streets and round the corner towards the mall. He could still call someone, he muses. He knows Tenma has a couple days off this week! And Banri and Juza could probably make time! It would be easy to drag at least one of them here. Press a few numbers, wail into the speaker, play the anxiety off with an earful of puppy whines. _I got lonely, come save me! I don’t want to be aloneee!!_

Taichi’s halfway to unlocking his phone before he hesitates.

And shakes his head resolutely. He smacks himself on the cheeks too, just for the effect. (He needs that shounen anime _vibe!_ ) He’s going to go on by himself like an adult! He’s going to make good on his New Year’s resolution!

The big screens outside the cinema boast a list of movies, and Taichi’s mind instinctively begins to analyze the posters and titles. His brother might like that sci-fi, he notes. Banri would like that thriller. Juza says he likes anything, but—

Oh.

Right, he’s alone this time.

There’s nobody else to look out for, no other opinion to accommodate. Taichi can choose anything he likes, right down to what size popcorn he gets—or if he even _gets_ popcorn. Taichi stares up at the screen, dumbfounded. It’s a lot to take in at once.

It takes him a while to choose. He stands in front of the posters flip-flopping between _all_ the movies displayed, and then what kind of snack he wants, and if he wants a meal set instead, and then what kind of drink, and where he wants to sit, and if he even wants to _watch_ a movie, actually. (After all, he could still go to the skate park now! Or start his resolution off with yakiniku instead!) But he stays in the end. He chooses a cute-looking cat movie by closing his eyes and jabbing his finger at something, a large bag of caramel popcorn because why not, a Cola because he needs a comfort drink right about now, panics and jabs at the first empty seat he sees, and sits down to wait for the movie to start.  
  


* * *

  
“How was the movie?” Juza asks later that day.

“Hard!” Taichi answers, nuzzling his face into Juza’s chest for comfort. “I could barely concentrate! It looked like everyone else went with a friend or something, and then it was too dark to tell so I just convinced myself I was the only one alone!” There were moments where he’d managed to forget, sure! But those were the moments where he would turn to the person next to him only to realize there was nobody there, and then he’d circle back into feeling anxious all over again!

“But it would’ve been a waste of money to just _walk out!_ And it’s bad manners to use your phone during a movie so I couldn’t distract myself!” It’d _sucked._ He’d just sat there trying to guess how long the movie had til it ended, checking his phone for the time every so often. “I wound up _sitting_ there the whole time all anxious and terrified and now I’m exhausted just from that!”

Juza lets Taichi melt onto him like a pile of goo, punctuating his point, and pets his hair soothingly. “Take a break now. Sounds like you had a hard time.”

“It was,” Taichi confesses in a small voice, even if it sounds stupid to admit it. Who had that hard a time watching a _movie?_ “It was super hard, and I don’t think I got anywhere. But I’m going to try again.”   
  


* * *

  
Karaoke is his next destination, and things go…pretty much the same way! It feels like everyone’s looking at him as soon as his back is turned, he feels like he’s about to vibrate out of his skin with how jittery he is, and somewhere along the line all the blood goes to his head and his vision goes a little fuzzy. All the usual things! Taichi’s not going to let that stop him!

He’d chosen a different karaoke place from the one he usually went with Citron and the rest, too worried about the friendly staff there wondering why he was alone this time. The good news is nobody at this new place knows who he is, probably! (Unless they watched MANKAI plays! Or remembered his face on posters! Aaaaaahhh!!) The bad news is he now has a bunch of _new_ factors to worry about now - what if he doesn’t _find_ the place? What if he finds it, and it’s all booked up, and Taichi has to put off his mission and he drags it out forever and lives in _perpetual_ anxiety about it? What if it’s some shady place? _What if?_

He manages, in the end. It feels like an eternity getting there (since he has to stop and find a place to sit every time he starts worrying and it gets worse!) and Taichi’s _super_ lightheaded by the time he does, but it’s fine! He’s fine! He’ll _be_ fine! (Banri would probably kill him for still going in this state, but this is important to Taichi! Sorry, Ban-chan!)

The place doesn’t look shady, luckily. That’s one blessing, except now Taichi has to worry about whether he’s going to be able to _speak_ correctly. He worries about it on a regular basis, but now he’s all lightheaded and blood-rushy and it’s kind of harder to think! Or a lot harder! His voice wavers when he asks for a room for one. The receptionist only gives him a neutral look when they tell him the room number, and that alone almost makes Taichi spill defensively on the spot. _I’m here out of choice! I’m not lonely or anything!_

But in the end he just smiles and thanks them, and heads to the room.

The karaoke room doesn’t really lessen the way he feels. Taichi closes the door behind him, looking at the room. It’s unfamiliar, not just in location; it’s quiet and cool, no big bustle of people with him this time. Only the whirr of the air conditioning greets him. It’s too _quiet._

He goes to sit down on the plush sofas and picks up a microphone, running his fingers down the smooth side of it. He’s already prickly all over, his brain feeling too tight and a puddle on the floor at the same time. His heart feels like it’s beating too fast.

He can’t focus like this. Taichi tries to will himself to put down the microphone and pick up the tablet to choose his songs, and finds himself paralyzed. Everything feels like too _much._ The air conditioning is too loud, too cool, but he can’t make himself move to turn it down. He’s hyper aware of the little window on the door, _sure_ there’s someone passing by, someone looking in at him, laughing at him alone, laughing at him frozen -

Taichi takes a breath in.

And out. It feels like a soft weight on his chest, pressing him back down to the ground. It doesn’t make the feelings vanish, of course, but it gives him enough clarity to cling to, begin to claw his way back to. Taichi does this pretty often, unfortunately. It sucks every time, but at least he knows how to fight his way back to life.

It’s still too quiet, which is almost hilarious. It’s _karaoke!_ It’s supposed to be loud and fun and stimulating! But instead Taichi’s sitting glued to the couch, his head begging him to run and not _letting_ him. He wants to push through this. He wants to be able to accomplish _something_ today, even if it’s only singing one song, even if it’s being able to get up to get a free cup of soda. 

But instead his hand slips into his jacket like a reflex, a defeat as he pulls his phone out. Now he won’t get anything done for _sure_ , but the relief is immediate as he unlocks the screen, numbing his brain. The panic dulls into the background into only an uncomfortable ache, disappointment and frustration balled into a corner of his mind. He stays like that until the staff knock on his door.  
  


* * *

  
“It was karaoke today, right?” Banri asks. He’s wrapped around Taichi in a backhug, his chin on Taichi’s shoulder so he can wrap his arms around Taichi and game on his phone at the same time. Taichi enjoys the closeness! “Have fun?”

“No,” Taichi says, drooping. He fidgets more with a rubix cube he’d swiped from Banri, his fingers turning each part absentmindedly. “It’s so _hard!_ Like, I know it’s only been twice, but just _thinking_ about going out alone again makes me feel super anxious already!”

Banri doesn’t reply immediately, which either means he’s considering what Taichi said, or he’s waiting for his SP bar to refill so he can finish his live. It turns out to be both! “I’ve been thinking about this a while,” Banri says, tapping at his phone so he can complete his live. “But why are you going so fast anyway?”

Taichi blinks. “Fast?”

“Yeah,” Banri says. “Being alone is hard for you, right?”

Taichi nods.

“So starting with going out by yourself sounds kind of extreme. Like going into the final dungeon before you’ve learned the controls, y’know?”

Taichi remembers Banri _doing_ that and _winning_ , but that’s probably not the point. Taichi scrunches up his face. “I don’t get it!”

Banri pauses. The screen in his hands bursts into a shower of confetti as it calculates his points. “Okay,” he says. “Think of it this way. You don’t like being alone, right?”

Taichi nods.

“But now you’re doing all these big, whole-day activities by yourself right off the bat. When you don’t even like being left alone for five minutes,” Banri points out. “That’s why you’re having such a hard time. You’re going super fast.”

Taichi nods again, slowly. “But if I keep at it, I’ll get used to it eventually!”

Banri shrugs. “I mean, I guess.” Another few taps. “But you don’t _have_ to. You can find another way that doesn’t make you want to die.”

“I’ll be fine!” Taichi turns his face and nuzzles Banri’s cheek affectionately. “Don’t worry! I’ve got it!”  
  


* * *

  
Taichi does not, in fact, got it. Everything about the dumb resolution frustrates him, and it starts to bleed into other things. What kind of loser is he if he can’t even _be alone?_ If he can’t even tolerate being with the one person he can’t ever get rid of? Why is it even _hard?_ _What’s he doing wrong?_

He tries again, relentlessly. Yakiniku is a similar disaster, as well as going to the mall, the skate park, the beach. He eats a ridiculous amount of hot dogs and drinks a ridiculous amount of cola (even for him!) to cheer himself up, and asks a ridiculous amount of people for advice.

It goes...okay. It’s a quiet afternoon when Taichi goes on his side quest, wandering through the dorms to find people. Chikage is the first person he sees in the lounge, so he also winds up being Taichi’s first target. Taichi’s optimistic about it! Chikage’s so adult-y and experienced with life stuff he’d probably set Taichi on the right track!

“Chikage-san!” Taichi says, sliding next to him on the couch. “Do you have time? I have a question to ask!”

Chikage shuts his laptop smoothly. (Even that singular movement feels super cool!) “That depends on what it is.” He smiles when Taichi sits up earnestly, readying his question. “Just kidding. Go ahead.”

“Oh!” Taichi says with a surprised blink. “Well, you see—”

Chikage listens intently throughout Taichi’s explanation, and nods in understanding when Taichi finishes. “It’d be difficult to find alone time in the dorms, huh.”

“Right!” Taichi exclaims, pointing a finger at Chikage in agreement. (Wait, that’s probably rude!) “Like, I’ve been going out a lot and stuff, but there’s always someone coming in and out around here and I get _super_ tempted to come out and talk to people!”

“I could find you a private spot somewhere around here,” Chikage says, his expression turning thoughtful. “It’d be close enough so you could still come to MANKAI whenever you wanted, and of a reasonable size. The space would be all yours, of course, to do whatever you wish—”

The smile freezes on Taichi’s face. “That sounds really shady?!”

“I wouldn’t offer it if it weren’t completely safe,” Chikage returns, seemingly deadly serious. “If you’re worried about that, I can send a subordinate or two to keep an eye on you there. Like I said to Tenma before, you won’t notice them at all, so you’d still be alone, in a sense.” 

This conversation’s going into territory Taichi’s not so sure about! He makes a strangled noise that isn’t actually a word, and probably not human either. “Um! I think I’ll be fine in MANKAI! But thanks for the offer!” 

Luckily, Chikage seems mostly unaffected by Taichi’s reaction. (Though Taichi’s pretty bad at reading Chikage to begin with!) “Well, the offer’s open if you ever change your mind.”

“I appreciate it!” Taichi says on autopilot, because he’s still trying to process that entire interaction. These are things people _say_ to him! “Thanks for hearing me out!”

Taichi wanders out into the courtyard for some fresh air, because he deserves it after that conversation! He comes across a grey coat asleep on one of the benches, and brightens again. His next chance to ask, except this NPC needs items to approach! So Taichi sprints back into the dorms to grab a pack of marshmallows from the kitchen and comes back out, dangling a marshmallow between his fingers.

Hisoka cracks open a sleepy eye at the offering. He munches as he listens to Taichi’s repeated spiel with quiet patience, even if he does look like he’s about to doze off the entire time. “...It’s fine to be alone,” Hisoka says finally, when Taichi finishes. “...I don’t think I have advice, though. Maybe you should ask someone else.”

“That’s okay!” Taichi says, trying his best to not to sound desperate. It’s not Hisoka’s fault, but between Taichi’s infinite failures so far and Chikage’s offer still confusing the hell out of his brain wires, Taichi’s sort of at the end of his rope. “Thanks for hearing me out anyway!”

Hisoka nods, and then curls a hand around the pack of marshmallows. “This can be payment.”

Wait, no! “These aren’t even mine!” Taichi screeches, trying to pry it out of Hisoka’s hand. Taichi’s pretty sure people aren’t supposed to have finger grip that strong! Or maybe Taichi should start working out again! “I’m pretty sure they’re Homare-san’s!!”

Hisoka shrugs. “Alice buys them for me anyway.”

_“Hisoka-san!!”_

Taichi loses the marshmallow battle, but goes on with his war. (Is that how the saying goes? Who knows!) He camps out at the lounge next to Chikage, attacking whoever passes by with his question. Masumi suggests an insolated napping spot, but Taichi takes too long to fall asleep. Tsumugi offers café recommendations, but when Taichi tries he just walks in antsy and gets more and more wound up until he’s wasted hours just _sitting._ Tasuku gives him solo soccer drills to try, but it’s _boring_ alone!

All of the advice only sends Taichi scrambling into more than twenty (he asks Izumi too, of course!) different directions, trying to follow what every single person had said. Juza suggests Taichi take a break, concerned. Banri just straight up kicks Taichi’s ass for overworking himself.  
  


* * *

  
In a fit of frustration, Taichi just _gives up._ It’s not his style to do so, but his determination had always been for MANKAI’s stage. If he gave up then, he would have let down his precious friends! This time if he gives up he only hurts himself, and Taichi doesn’t care about that. He climbs up the ladder to his bed and faceplants onto his pillow. Who cares about being alone! Who cares about his stupid resolution! He’s been surviving just fine pushing his thoughts away and filling his days up with people! He’s been anxious all his life anyway! He could keep doing it! Who _cares!_

But even though he says so, it keeps…grating at him. Like a rock in his shoe.

Because Taichi _wants_ to learn how to do this. If he learns to be alone, he’ll never have to go back to the days he spent huddled in the corners of classrooms, running off to the toilet during break so nobody would see him without friends. He believes in the friendships he has at MANKAI, believes that he won’t be lonely anymore, but he’ll still be _alone_ sometimes. Taichi’s lived most of his life revolving around other people, but _other people_ had their own lives that didn’t revolve around Taichi.

In the end, maybe it had been that. _To become an adult_ had sounded so grand, another one of Taichi’s idealistic, vague fantasies. If he learns how to be alone, he’ll be a step closer to becoming an adult. If he becomes an adult, he’ll learn how to have a life solely his own, and he’ll walk further and further away from the lonely, desperate crybaby he used to be. The future ahead of him seems full of possibilities, as long as he takes the first step towards it.

Taichi sighs, and stares up at the ceiling of his room. He’d listened to all of MANKAI but one person, the one who knew him best.

 _If you fail, you’ll only hurt yourself,_ his mind reminds him. _So you have nothing to lose from listening to yourself_.  
  


* * *

  
So Taichi restarts his entire adventure, even if he’s weary. In truth he’s no stranger to teaching himself things, training himself through the yoyo, skateboard, the rest of his hobbies. What would he tell himself if this were a skateboarding trick? _Start with the basics,_ he recites from memory, spinning a pencil around as he brainstorms. _If you don’t have those down, you can’t do the cool tricks!_

So what are the basics? What are the cool tricks? Taichi presses his pencil down to an empty notebook page, and finds his brain just as blank.

What Banri had said floats into his mind again. _You’re going too fast._ So Taichi thinks about that instead. What does _slow_ look like? _Another way that doesn’t make you want to die_ , Mind Banri supplies helpfully. (Taichi remembered that somehow! Nice going for once, brain!) 

Okay. Taichi fidgets with the hem of his jacket in thought. What does he need to do before his heart stops beating faster? Before his mind lets loose its death grip on him?

Stepping outside the dorm makes him feel like he’s being watched, so Taichi decides to stay inside. Staying in the lounge makes him want to explain himself to everyone who passes by, so Taichi decides to stay in Room 105. Having the blinds up makes him worry the houses opposite them can see him, so he pulls them shut.

Taichi still feels uneasy in the quiet of his room, so he climbs up the ladder to his bed and pulls the covers over his head. It’s a little better with the world shrunk down, but his mind still whirrs too fast, too much. So he plugs his earphones into his phone, pulls up an old video he’s watched a thousand times before, and tries to watch it again.

The basics. Baby steps.  
  


* * *

  
Going slow turns his resolution into a never-ending task, but at least it’s _bearable_ now. Taichi chips at it whenever he can, taking two, four, five minutes out of his day to huddle up somewhere quiet. He buys snacks, drinks, saves a million fun videos to watch. He treats himself to street acts and hangouts whenever he can, and tries to believe he’s earned it.

Because it doesn’t _feel_ like he has. He goes so slow it feels like he’s barely moving, but Taichi remembers what Banri had said. _Being alone is hard for you, right?_

And what Juza had said, after Taichi had told him about the movie. _Take a break now. Sounds like you had a hard time._

It might be slow, and it might seem pointless. But to Taichi it’s something that takes courage, so he rewards himself for it.  
  


* * *

  
Taichi loses track of how long he’s been at it. Spring passes. Then summer, autumn, winter, until the next year arrives. The minutes he spends alone grow slowly.

It still doesn’t feel _good._ Even a year in it’s still something that Taichi has to remind himself to do, something he has to take a step back and do carefully, something that doesn’t come naturally to him. He still tries to convince himself he can just _quit_ , and he’s nowhere near being able to be alone with only his thoughts and no distractions around. It’s still messy and hard and a work in a progress. 

But there are other things, too. His heart doesn’t beat as fast in public anymore, and he’s getting better at listening to the voice in his head that tells him to take a step back. It’s another race without a finish line, but this time Taichi’s going at his own pace.

He looks to the window of his room. The blinds are pulled up, letting in the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> [prompt](https://twitter.com/a3_week/status/1068897110165200896) || day 3: future
> 
> taichi is a character so grounded in what others think of him i thought it’d be fun to write something in the opposite direction. (also, "another race without a finish line" is a reference to position zero, the 3rd fic in this series!)
> 
> that’s my cool aloof author note done, my real confession is writing this was hell. (thank you so much to goomba server for helping me with ideas and motivating me!! ;__;) i hope i managed to do it even a little bit of justice.
> 
> with that, my a3 week is finished! it took me a literal year, but i truly am glad i took my time with it. thank you so much to the mods for organizing it, and thank you for reading; a special thanks if you read all the fics in the series!!! every comment, kudo and follow means a lot ; v ; 
> 
> i’ll still be writing a3 even after this series, so i’ll see you next fic :D (or on [twitter,](https://twitter.com/kurokeltos) if that’s your thing!) here’s to more a3 in the future!


End file.
